I tend to identify a lot of trends on this blog.  Here are some more:

• Gluten Allergy: where the HELL did this come from?  I had never heard of this until last year when my friend said she can’t drink beer because she’s allergic to gluten.  Had to ask her what that even meant.  Because of that, I give her a pass.  But since then, all I see is: “Gluten this, gluten that…I can’t eat bread, I can’t have pizza, I can’t drink beer. I can’t have fun.”  Out of nowhere pizza places think they have a competitive advantage because they offer ‘gluton-free pizza.’  Yea, that’ll sell!  I got news for all of you hipsters who think it’s cool to have a gluten allergy.  Only 6% of you have it…yup, I did the research. So stop thinking that you can walk around and get sympathy from us folk who have no idea what it even means, just think that it sounds bad.  Most of you are lying.

• The young gal with the (legit) gluten allergy, she followed my trend of doing a blog about a year and a half ago.  She’ll gladly admit that this very site was her inspiration.  Now her tumblr (http://joannafreed.tumblr.com/) has 53 pages of posts!  I have 6.  All I know is I better be getting a finders fee of some sorts once she makes money off of her work or heads will roll.

• ‘Fans’ of sports teams that are suddenly good.  Like the Bruins of last year, there are a lot of Rangers fans all of a sudden…didn’t see them much in November or December.  Lots of people were raving about the Knicks since Jeremy Lin put up 20+ in a few consecutive games.  Now their down 0-2 to the Heat and you don’t see much…they probably still think Lin starts at pg.

• I’m sure I’ll get a lot of backlash from this one: Spartan Race/Tough Mudder.  Ummm, this is just a way for these organizers to make money.  They put put out a bunch of stupid obstacles and make it difficult by separating them by a half of a mile each.  ”Here, jump this log and roll under the next one while I spray you with water…Now go run for 4 minutes and you’ll meet Buzz at the next station.”  Oh christ, and THEN you have everyone cheering for each other…giving them motivation.  ”Come onnnn, you got this!!  ”Almost there!”  ”Here we go, on the count of three we’ll both go at the same time…!”   Give me a break.  Is there anything more irritating in this world?

You want hard? Go run for 4 hours and 15 minutes straight, 26.2 miles, trying to keep up with a bunch of 115 lb, unfazed, 50 year-olds while battling neck and neck with a *guy who LITERALLY has one real leg and another that is some sort of contraption acting as a pogo stick.  There’s no one there to help pull you up some wooden wall…the only support you get is the comfort that there are health stations every couple of miles with stretchers, and a nice family at mile 22 handing out orange slices which actually make your cramps 20x worse.

I’m just kidding! I didn’t come up with any of this tough mudder stuff on my own.

I’m just kidding, I came up with all of this on my own.  

*He beat me by at least 3 minutes.  Dude’s got heart.

• I think it’s impressive that you ran a half marathon, so don’t take this the wrong way…BUT, take off the 13.1 sticker on the back of your car.  You essentially finished only half of the race.

• All of my ex-girlfriends are in multi-year, SERIOUS, relationships.  We can conclude one thing, and one thing only, from this: My mom is bummed.

• I’m better at Instagraming than you.

• Trying to figure out how to better word this for my Match.com profile: “I’m better than him because I DON’T drive 65 past a mile long back up of cars, only to cut into the line at the very last second. In fact, he’s a dick. I hate him and all the other douchers that do the same thing.  That being said, I may be a few minutes late for dinner.”      Never-mind, that’s perfect.

Have been catching some heat lately, publicly, about how I haven’t been active on my blog.  I’m flattered.  So for a few days I’ll rock it out, throwback style:

Here’s the format. 4 random thoughts, take ‘em or leave ‘em:

• I’d like to apologize to all of my classmates that didn’t get my best effort when I signed their yearbook.  It’s more than likely that you deserved better than, “Have a great summer, Tyler”

• My roommate Adam literally thinks that the ‘laughter’ that you hear throughout a sitcom is real, and not added in by computers.  His claim is that he sat in on a ‘Two and a Half Men’ taping and it’s all real.  He also laughs at ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’

• The little British girl that divas on Ellen all the time needs to dump the blonde if she wants to make it.  She’s completely holding her back, and likely would not succeed as an extra in some vampire love show on the CW, let alone be in a supporting role on stage.  She’s making out like a bandit with all the swag she’s getting from being on TV all the time.  Just hope she’s some day humble enough to realize she’s better off as the talent manager.  We’ll have to wait and see.

• Why do they make bread that’s NOT sourdough? 

Thanksgiving Eve…’The Biggest Bar Night of the Year!’ Yayyyy.  It can also be referred to as ‘The most artificial night of the year’.  Just one big lie…even bigger than acting like you don’t enjoy Katy Perry’s newest jam.  Because once you walk in to the one bar that your whole town goes to, you put on that Drama performance for the Drama class you never took.  Be warned though, you’re amongst Drama majors…and valedictorians, athletes, punks, snobs, know-it-alls, and so on. So you better bring your A-game.  Waitttt a minuteeee, nevermind. Don’t worry about being on top of your game…cause EVERYONE FAKES IT

An example convo with someone you haven’t seen since high school (or since last thanksgiving eve at the same bar), from the first-person point of view…

Even though it seems the other way around, here’s how I really feel:  

1. I wasn’t planning on more than a nod of the head in your direction until you opened up to me.
2. I don’t care how you’ve been.
3. I don’t care what you’ve been up to and what you do nowadays.
4. Gottcha, I don’t actually care what you’re other buddy has been up to either.
5. Mrs. Peterson’s bio class stories from Junior year of high school are no longer relevant (my Team Sports Super Bowl is, however)…so, in fact, the ONLY thing we have in common is being from the same town…along with the other 20,000 people who live here.
6. Yes, I do think I’m better than you.
7. Truth is, I’m just waisting time on you, faking my smile and ‘active listening,’ hoping my really drunk ex from high school will see that I have changed so I can trick her in to hooking up with me tonight.
8. Oh shit, she’s faking it too, so maybe she’ll actually out think my philosophy and see right through me.
9. Screw it, I’m going to try anyways.
10. I don’t really have to: go to the bathroom/get another drink/talk to my buddy over there…I just don’t know what else to talk to you about.
11. Shit, you made me miss the next round…set me back $6 cause I have to buy my own beer.

So remember this tonight when you do what you have been doing EVERY year for the past few years…then realize that you’re going to wake up tomorrow and think about how much that actually sucked and that you won’t do that again….then wake up 364 days later thinking: “YES, my favorite night of the year!”  Hell if I was back home, I’d be doing the same thing tonight.

P.S. Hey Ke$ha, where the hell have you disappeared to? You’re due.

Listen I love animals. I have a 2 year pass to Sea World for christ’s sake.  Let’s just clear that up first.

(Although, I hate cats…domestic ones. They’re just so boring and high maintenance. Think they’re the shit, walking all over the top of the couch.  Arching their backs and stretching as they rub up against your feet/legs and their owner says, ”Aww, he likes you. Just pet him, he’ll leave you alone after a while.”  Listen, I don’t want your dumb cat trying to garner my attention when all I’m trying to do is watch and see what the real problem is with this doucher on ‘Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.’  Snakes suck too.)

BUT, think about how awesome it must have been for the cops in Ohio last night when they, ultimately, got to go on the most extreme safari hunt of all time! And, it was all on American soil.  Just straight up, fantasy world.  Brought Big Buck Hunter-Safari Edition to real life.  I mean, where else does this happen in America? Jurassic Park? That’s not real (although I still am a firm believer that the whole mosquito DNA thing really could work).  They just throw on their night goggles, turn on their walkies, load up their rifles, and kiss the wife and kids goodbye saying, “Daddy’s gotta make this town safe again.”  Try and argue that that’s not the most bad ass situation to ever be in as a cop.  In the end 18 tigers were killed, 17 lions too.  Other animals as well.  Terrible situation with viscous results, don’t get me wrong.

Now, they say that the dude opened the gates, then killed himself…allowing the animals to escape.  Didn’t quite do them a favor, but I think it’s easy to figure out who’s to blame for all this.  Obviously it’s Jim Tressel and Ohio State.  They probably had been bringing recruits there, or some shit.  Maybe each 5-star recruit was actually given a Tiger if they signed and just kept it at the farm.  School paid this guy to watch over the animals during the season.  Once all of the scandals came out, his season tickets were gone and he was taken off of the payroll.  ”Oh yea? Taking my tickets away? Fine. I’m going to open up the gates and swallow my shotgun. Let’s see how well you dot the I now tuba player. No one cares about script Ohio when your team sucks.”

There you have it.  It’s OSU’s fault.  Easiest mystery I’ve ever solved in my life.  

Not 100% sure what DiGiorno’s angle is with their whole marketing campaign.  ”It’s not Delivery, it’s DiGiorno.”  K, good…cause delivery sucks.  Oh. Wait. They’re saying that delivery is actually good pizza? And that they’re better??

“Hey honey, I have something to confess. I didn’t order out even though you think I did, don’t be mad. It’s actually DiGiorno. SURPRISE!!”

“Awww, babe, you fooled me”  

That’s their approach??  Well now I’m pissed.  

Ok then DiGiorno, riddle me this.  Name me a good delivery pizza place.  One that is good when you’re NOT drunk at 2:30 am, after a Saturday night, in downtown New Haven, when you’re 21 years old, and think 5-5-5 is a mandatory series of numbers that have to be said over the phone before you can go to sleep.  OR, a delivery pizza place that doesn’t rely on selling pizza because their founder** has an absolute cannon for an arm and can hit a half court shot.  Sorry, can’t fool me. I don’t go out in New Haven anymore and I can throw a football that far from my knees bro….AND if I have to put ranch and/or hot sauce on you, then you’re not any good anyways.

Oh, well maybe they’re talking about your neighborhood pizza places, not the chains.  Cause they’re better than Dominos and the rest, right?  Newsflash DiGiorno, all the local pizza places that deliver are desperate anyways.  If they were sooo good, they wouldn’t be able to take the time to deliver to you.  They’re usually greek style pizza, anyways.  You call them if it’s snowing out and you’re too lazy to put on a pair of jeans.  (And hell, that’s rare, cause usually you just order chinese food in that instance anyways.)  The places that deliver can’t cut it by relying on their taste.  They don’t kill it on Friday and Saturday nights by having their tables be jam packed with families.  Those places…they don’t deliver. You want their pizza, you go there to get it.

Also, what you’re implying is not true.  Papa John’s IS better than you,  Dominos sucks and their pizza is likely preferred over yours, depending on my state of mind. (Plus, they are a company of integrity…they trust that we’ll like them and will even prove it by putting our reviews up in Time Square.  Talk about pressure).  Does Chuck E. Cheese’s deliver? Their pizza is bomb. Blows the others away.

Where do you rank?? Middle of the pack in the frozen pizza section of the grocery store. You’re getting the nod over Tombstone, Red Barron and Mama Celeste (Mama Celeste is the worst).  However, if you think you’re ahead of California Pizza Kitchen then you’re nuts.

Want me to give you a little marketing tip? Be more like Little Cesars.  Their pizza sucks, but once they started that $5 pepperoni for pick up, then they started doing work.  I’ll scoop that up just because it’s a Tuesday sometimes.  Won’t enjoy it, but I trick myself into thinking I’m getting a bargain.

Point is, you’re setting the bar pretty low by trying to say you’re better than delivery pizza.  That wouldn’t be something to strive for.  Want me to buy you? Don’t cost $9.99 at Stop n Shop.  You think I may like your pizza? Well grab my attention by saying you’re better than the Recovery Room (brick oven/thin crust style***).  Butttt, that would be about as accurate as saying that Beyonce isn’t full of herself and Woman Power…cause I have to put ranch and hot sauce on you.

** Dude’s a stud

***Don’t bother telling me you’re better than New York Style Pizza. Shit sucks. Say that and my heads not going to perk up from my the game I’m playing on my iPhone during the commercial break.  New Haven/Thin crust all day.  (Chicago, you’re not worth my time)

Work

Lunch

As we head into another weekend, I propose that you try something new while capturing the town and wooing the opposite sex over the next couple of days.  Appoint a peer to be your ‘accountant’.  What do I mean by this? Well, take someone who you trust, and will be with throughout the day(s) and night(s)…and basically, you do your thing and simply hand him/her the card at the end of the night.  Let them sign for you.  If it’s a lunch, you take care of the business on your plate, and let your accountant sign your tab and give the tip.

What’s the point of this? Well, if you’re anything like me…you tend to convince yourself that you are on the Miami Heat every weekend and can spend money like an NBA all-star.  It’s not until you see every check or bill that you realize you’re a step below the D-League and should not be blowing through all of that capital that you’ve worked so hard to acquire.  At least having an accountant helps keep your spirits up throughout the weekend because you really have no idea how much money you spend until you check your account on Monday morning.

Let me know how it goes.

This past weekend, at House of Blues SD, I was fortunate to attend the best concert that I’ve ever been to.  In fact, I can’t think of a single concert that really comes close…perhaps besides the atmosphere that was Toby Keith in Columbia, SC (when there are more Confederate Flags than American Flags, you’re not in Kansas anymore).  

The band’s name: Tainted Love.  A group littered with 7 of the most talented musicians that you will ever find.  A group that BRINGS IT on every single song that they play.  And, perhaps best of all, there was only 1 or 2 songs of the whole set Saturday that I did not recognize (their songlist).

Now, before you all hop on the bandwagon I want it to be published here first: They WILL play at my wedding, assuming that I’m able to trick a young lady into liking me…and that the group is still alive and well 10 years from now.  So, if any of you *clowns steal my thunder, and take them for your wedding you may as well **leave me off of the guest list because I’m going to be all over your ass the whole night whether it’s your ‘special day’ or not. 

In closing, I leave you with this. From these videos, even with the horrible quality that they are, you can get a sense of how unreal my wedding is now going to be: TL YouTube Channel

*The people who were with me get a pass…although the marriage thing is looking grim for you guys as well.

**Please don’t leave me off the guest list. Any chance I get to see Tainted Love, I want to be there front and center.

In case you didn’t think I was serious, I contacted the band (or their people):

On Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 11:54 AM, Tyler Brett <tbrett527@gmail.com> wrote:

Does Tainted Love do weddings? If so, what is the rate?


ThanksTyler

On Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 12:21 PM, Daniel Swan <daniel@swanentertainment.com> wrote:

Tyler:

Tainted Love perform at weddings all the time.
For San Francisco bay area weddings the fee is $10,000.00.
Do you have a date and location in mind just yet?
Daniel

On Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 12:23 PM, Tyler Brett <tbrett527@gmail.com> wrote:

Hmm, About 10 years from now…give or take.

On Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 12:26 PM, Daniel Swan <daniel@swanentertainment.com> wrote:

Wow. That’s a first.

Are you really enquiring about a wedding ten years from now?

Daniel- Hide quoted text -
On Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 12:28 PM, Tyler Brett <tbrett527@gmail.com> wrote:

Well, I figure if I book now, 10k is a steal. Price will only go up as you guys get famous, no?

Afterwards, I received this:

On Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 12:26 PM, Daniel Swan <daniel@swanentertainment.com> wrote:

I was thinking that perhaps you thought it would take you ten years to save up enough money.
I didn’t think you where being sarcastic.
Just not had an enquiry that far out yet.Daniel

• Now, at first I was like: ‘hmmm, yea I’m going to push back my engagement 10 years so I can save up for Tainted Love to play my wedding…now I’m starting to think, if that’s what it takes, I gotta do what I gotta do.  Honey, you won’t mind, right? It’ll be completely justified the first time you see them live

New goal of mine, acquire a ‘spot.’  A local hang out of sorts.  A place to go to have a few drinks with friends.  

All the greats have them: 

• How I Met Your Mother
• Boy Meets World
• Seinfeld
• SportsCenter
• Saved By the Bell
• Friends
• Men of a Certain Age
• That 70s Show
• The View
• Happy Days
• Family Guy
• RugRats

Now, obviously there’s a couple of things that need to be put into this equation to find that special spot.  For one, find a location.  The location needs to be pretty versatile.  A place that you could go to at 10 am on a Sunday and 9 pm on a Thursday.  So it must serve coffee and beer, food too.  Nothing clubby, but nothing fancy.  Nothing too popular, but nothing that’s going to be out of business in 5-10 business days.  And, perhaps most important, I want to have my own booth/table (hell, Friends had their own couch).

Number two, going to have to find a group that can make the commitment.  Can’t half-ass this.  Thinking a group of 6 at most…3 girls, 3 guys.  

Within 3 weeks, I want to be able to say; ‘I’ll have the usual’